Thursday, August 16, 2012

NBC is getting its Costas all over America

Remember NBC? It's where we were all really American for a couple of weeks during the Olympics. You were there. I saw you at the bar and you said, "Who's winning?" And since I couldn't have comprehended the rules if NASA was sitting at my fucking table I told you I didn't know. Par for the course (golf reference! NBC LOVES GOLF!), considering Americans don't know a whole hell of a lot. 

But we know one thing: NBC was once relevant and awesome and must see t.v.: Cosby, Cheers, Night Court, 227, Miami Vice, A Different World, Family Ties, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, L.A. Law, Hill Street Blues, and E.R., at least until Clooney bounced. Even with all of these gems NBC's greatest accomplishment was that iconic slice of Americana---Saturday Night's Main Event

It was the 80's, and a couple years in the 90's, and it was wrasslin', and it was cage matches and scaffold matches, and open steroid use, and outrageous managers, and Koko B. Ware, and Fuck. The. World. It was the best. Total spectacle. 

Saturday Night's Main Event didn't happen every Saturday. Sometimes it was once a month. Sometimes three months would pass until another aired. Once, there were two in one month and I thought my 10 year old brain would explode into Capri Sun pouches and dirty playing cards. A glorious time, truly. 

Twenty years and a treasure trove of bad decisions later (Notre Dame football, anyone?) NBC is peddling a new sports network. They're calling it NBCSN. The SN stands for ShitNoodle. Just kidding. It's SailorNookieWhat will NBCSN give us? How about Major League Soccer? Intrigued? Well hold on to your binky! They'll also cover motor racing*, cycling, boxing**, horse racing***, and hunting and fishing****. Still not blown away? There's also a sports talk show hosted by Bob Costas! Get the towel, Betty! I seem to have  made a mess!

The one good part of NBCSN is their coverage of the NHL, which thanks to my friends from the Northeast, I've grown to love. Hockey is badass. Don't worry, loyal NBC viewers, they're still covering Notre Dame football. Only now their couching it in the phrase "college football." IT'S NOT. It's Notre Dame playing the Service Academies where all the players on both squads weigh 95 lbs and then they'll play USC and ten people will show up because their kids play for Notre Dame or USC and USC will monkey-stomp the living shit out of Touchdown Jesus and NBC's announcers will say, "This USC team is FOR REAL!" No, they're not. They just beat the dormitory from Cider House Rules. Fuck you, Notre Dame. 

I'm all for someone challenging ESPN. But not Costas and the Private School Peonies. In fact, hockey deserves better. I'm looking at you, CBS. Could there be a tougher network than the one responsible for SEC football and the NHL? You couldn't even watch commercials on that channel without getting two black eyes. Make it happen. Don't get Costas all over the ice. PLEASE. 

*Motor racing? Motors on what? Motorcycles? Motorized Costas dolls? 

**Just stop with boxing. Suspend it until it's cleaned up. Did you watch the Olympics? Boxing is dirtier than a Raiders fan at HOOTERS. 

***Maybe the Prince and Princess will show up, just like the Olympics! Then we can talk about what designer she's wearing! Then Ralph Lauren will ride in with a broadsword and behead children of the lower classes!

****Unless you're hunting Costas and using meat from his torso as shark bait NO ONE WILL CARE. 

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