Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Marijuana Slows Science's Ability To Figure Out Marijuana

Scientists in New Zealand
So an international team* in New Zealand spent twenty years not playing rugby. I didn't know this was possible. Instead, they worked all that time to prove what Matt Foley told us in 1993: pot makes you stupid. Sure, the Kiwi's are far too kind to say it that way. But why hold back? Most stoners have already forgotten the point of the study, or the definition of "study." Not one of them knows where the fuck New Zealand is.

I'm not upset at these fine folks for telling me something I already knew, nor do I mind them being paid for it. Much of academia works the exact same way.

"This study took an amazing scientific effort. We followed almost 1,000 participants, we tested their mental abilities as kids before they ever tried cannabis, and we tested them again 25 years later after some participants became chronic users."

What "amazing scientific effort" did it take? Have kid put square peg in square hole, bang out some multiplication tables, show horse at the beginning and the end and ask them to trace how the horse got there. Oh, make sure they don't think the horse is an alligator. Done. Did it take effort to make them sit still? Absolutely not. You can give them pudding or you can threaten them with torture. Obviously the pudding is more expensive but it's your call, moneybags. Then you wait a few years. No scientific effort there. You're just waiting. Yesterday I waited in line at Publix.

Things the cashier didn't say when I finally made it to checkout:

1. Afternoon, you fucking scientist you!
2. Did you put the squash in the bag all by yourself? AND waited in line? What effort!


"Participants were frank about their substance abuse habits because they trust our confidentiality guarantee, and 96% of the original participants stuck with the study from 1972 to today."

Of course they did! What else were they doing but being complete fuck ups, according to you? They'd have stuck with anything to get away from the can of Pringles and another showing of Lethal Weapon 4. What's weird to me is that the scientists did in fact take into account the use of alcohol and other drugs. But when charged with pinpointing the reason for a drop in IQ points:

"It is such a special study that I'm fairly confident that cannabis is safe for over-18 brains, but risky for under-18 brains."

Fairly. They're fairly confident it wasn't the ecstasy or cocaine or heroine or fifths of tequila. After twenty years, enough time to make even my dumbass abandon some empty bullshit like "fairly," Egon Spengler and company took a bong rip and said, "meh, seems like it, right?"

"If you eat this I get published."

I haven't smoked pot in years. I did not quit in an effort to take some moral high ground or because I was worried about my health. Nope. I just got bored with it. Every time I got high I became quiet and paranoid and weird and that's terribly boring. Know what else I did in my much younger days? OTHER DRUGS. These days if I'm slow to answer a question or I'm stumped about a topic of discussion I'll often refer to myself as an idiot. My friends, because they're lovely people will say, "no you're not!"

"Not what?" I say, "Stop being weird."

Do I blame blunts? A little. Do I believe those raves I attended actually helped matters? No. LSD never helped anyone pass a test. Sadly, I live in Tallahassee, Florida and I will never receive a paycheck for any of this information. If I lived in New Zealand? Legend!

* Do they wear the Ukrainian Olympic outfits? Because that would be one snazzy team of scientists!

No comments:

Post a Comment