Justifiable Fear

Nestled warmly beneath a spider-free crimson afghan on my spider-free couch this morning with a glass of iced coffee not brewed with or by any breed of spider, I came across this little piece of NICE TRY, SCIENCE! Professor Jon May, of Plymouth University*, says, "We like bright-colored butterflies and ladybirds, but spiders are dark-colored** with long angular legs, and the shape and color both have strong negative associations."

I can think of another image of dark, angular legs: 

Ever seen one of these, Dr. Crazy?

This is Adriana Lima. She has dark, angular legs, Jon. What Adriana doesn't have, Jon, is a pair of pedipalps. If she did, she could grind her kill to a pulp. Then (THEN?) she could liquify the ground pulp by flooding it with enzymes in order to digest it. 'THE FUCK?

Everyday I'm scuttlin'

Dr. Jon also posits that a spider's "fast movement scuttling off into dark corners also tap into deep rooted fears." I scuttle on the reg, Jon. This morning I scuttled to the kitchen, threw some cereal in a bowl, and scuttled back to my living room, where the lights were off. What I'm saying, Jon, is that it was dark, and I was scuttling like a bastard, completely aware of my scuttle, and of the dark. I wasn't scared in the least, Jon. Maybe because my legs are not dark and angular. Or maybe because there aren't 8 of them, and I don't have a thousand eyes, and a web for trapping, and oh yeah, TWO FUCKING TEETH FOR CRUSHING AND LIQUIFYING OTHER LIVING THINGS!

Dr. Insane also says that we are scared of what we can only see in the corner of our eye, that we will often report a spider bigger than the one we actually saw, or that we will...wait...hold the hell up...we will...this is tough to say.

People will "say they saw a spider crawl into someone's mouth, which they never do. We don't understand their behavior." 

I just told you their behavior! They trap, crush, liquify, and kill things! Did you black out, you fuck? In the corner of my eye there's a Law and Order episode on mute. Not scary. The biggest spider I've ever seen was about as big as my palm. How'd I know? I ACCIDENTLY LAID MY PALM ON IT! I lost years that day, Doc. Years. Why lie? 

And I've never said I saw a spider crawl into someone's mouth? Who says that? Who is this someone? Were you at a GWAR show? Are you wearing spiked shoulder pads and drinking ketchup in your mom's basement? Is Plymouth University real? 

Look, I will not "sympathize" with spiders anymore than I will with a great white shark. Nor do I believe they're "misunderstood". I can appreciate you were at Woodstock, took the brown acid, and then played spider with a cross-eyed beauty from Nebraska named Lula. At some point you may have even scuttled. You dog! But spiders are actually scary for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is freakish appearance. In a world where people are scared of all sorts of harmless things--2% milk, hockey masks, minorities, Funyuns--I'm going to stick with spiders. It's safer that way. 

* Jon May didn't land on Plymouth University! Plymouth University landed on Jon May!

** That's RAYCESS! I am equally terrified of Neo, the rave spider.