C. Thomas Howell told you Pussy Riot was coming

I've been reading an awful lot about the imprisonment of Pussy Riot lately.* It's all over my Facebook and Twitter feeds. "Russia is awful!" "Down with tyranny!" "The world should do something!" I imagine the first headline read something like, "Feminist Punk Band Arrested in Russia," and you thought, "Fuck was Bikini Kill reuniting in Russia for?" Probably just left your Whole Foods cart right in the middle of the aisle because the world matters to you THAT MUCH! 

It's awful that these brave women are being locked up for "hooliganism" (or as we call it: Saturday). But to all of those young Americans who ran home to grieve and post those first articles they saw: WE TOLD YOU SO! 

Did you think we were watching Rocky IV and Red Dawn for our health? No! We were watching those documentaries to prepare ourselves!** You think C. Thomas Howell was tagging Russian tanks with "Wolverines" just to keep his arm warm for Side Out? No! He was doing what Patrick "The Patriot" Swayze told him to do because AMERICA MOTHERFUCKERS! 

Russia is terrible. You thought it was all good because Tom Hanks worked for the Russian Fed Ex before he got stranded on that island. Well, Tom Hanks is loved by the Russians for some reason and I think we know why---Tom Hanks hates women.*** Yes, even gymnasts.  Here you've been mislead to believe that all Russians are tiny, manageable gymnasts. Not true! Not true at all! You ever been scissor-locked by an expert in the floor exercise, or pinned to the ground by Yuri, the beefy rings swinger? Me neither! But can you imagine? 

I hear stories all the time about people waking up from their falling dreams, or nightmares about demons, or about being chased by sharks, or being eaten by Meryl Streep.**** Well I have nightmares too, and they all involve Ivan Drago. He killed Apollo Creed! Does that mean nothing to you? Apollo Creed LOVED feminist punk rock! You think he wanted to come out to James Brown? Of course not. But the capitalist machine with its patriarchal gears made him do it and then his head wasn't in the game and HE DIED! Get your head in the game, youngsters. Russia is an evil place where this man lives, clubbing seals and playing ice polo on the backs of polar bears. It's terrifying! 

Wake up!




* I've read absolutely nothing substantial on the Pussy Riot situation except this. Which is really insightful and I think everyone should read. 

** Well, if they weren't documentaries they were based on true accounts. From someone. Probably deep in the woods of Michigan. 

*** Again, none of this can be substantiated by actual evidence. But don't act like you've never thought about it in these terms!

**** My dreams from the last four nights.