A Whale Of A Time

I do not conserve. I will leave every light in my apartment on, the water running, and fall asleep comfortably on the couch to the sounds of District Attorney McCoy magically panting the city of New York to another conviction. If I left the oven on, all the better.

this is an actual whale

But you know what I like? Whales. Love a whale. I don’t actually work toward educating anyone on the habits of whales. I don’t donate money to whale conservation and, honestly, I’ve only ever seen a whale in captivity at a museum I snuck into illegally because the line was too long and I had a flight to catch. LOL, Shedd Aquarium, I saw your belugas for free!

Point is, asked if I dig on whales, the answer is yes. YES. They’re smahht. Not dumb, like everybody says. When I say “everybody” I mean—people from Wakulla County, FL and the Japanese.

This morning I read that a bid to create a whale sanctuary in the Southern Atlantic Ocean was voted down at the International Whaling Commission’s (IWC) annual meeting. I know, right? I want to be on the International Whaling Commission. Although the bid gained more than half the votes, it needed a three-quarters majority. Boo.

Granted, these do-gooders wanted a nice chunk of salt—“The proposal covered almost the entire Atlantic Ocean south of the Equator, from the west coast of Africa to the east coast of South America.” Wow.

An actual invitation from the above whale.

Whale #1—party at my crib!

Whale #2—where’s your crib?

Whale #1—everywhere!

I don’t mind that it was voted down with the promise of more talks. Part of the problem was shear area. Countries/continents can control their own shorelines, and so, rather than mark off a portion of planet, those who voted against suggested the closer policing of these shorelines. Word up, haters.

But who were one of the biggest opponents of the plan? The Japanese. Mother. Fucker. No and no. I have a problem with Japan getting a say. The IWC tried to nix commercial whaling in order to increase whale populations back in 1986. The Japanese, always happy to help a whale, found a scientific research loophole within the legislation, and continued right on killing. I suppose they needed to make sure the meat still tasted the same? Yep, tastes right. Just to make sure, though, lets capture and kill about 70 more. Nothing like consistency!

Here’s what has never happened in warfare:

General #1—Hey, guy, Gen here, I’m gonna need you to stop this little coup or whatevs. I mean, you’re massacring a lot of innocents.

General #2—For reals? I didn’t even realize. But, seriously, we’re just conducting a little resea….

General #1—No, dawg.

Don’t get it twisted. This is warfare. The whales haven’t had many warriors, per say. There was Moby Dick and this little guy. And why shouldn’t he attack a diver. Do we not try to kill bugs that fly around our face? I went diving once, in the Bahamas. The only things in that water are tiny little fish that look like bouquets of flowers. It was like swimming in everyone’s anniversary.

But those big ol’ so and so’s need help. I’d like to arm them with lasers, but sharks have kind of cornered that one. Sheesh…sharks.

See, the whole “hey, kid, stop being a jackass” hasn’t worked with the Japanese whalers. Now it’s time to stop letting these fools vote. And before you go screaming about how I’m lumping all Japanese people and Wakulla people together under a negative light of righteousness, let me correct you.

Yes. Yes I am. This morning. Because this is bullshit. This is King Bullshit. You seen The Cove? Those are dolphins. Seems like if it’s an intelligent sea creature, there are men in Japan who will ice it. No questions asked.

You will eat the fast food!

Just as America should have nothing to do with any international dietary legislation, Japan should be left out of any vote regarding whales. If you’re doing everything you can to wipe out a species (human or whale) you’re done. DONE.