An Open Reply To Brilliant Panda

You sure do talk a lot, World.

My Very Favorite Panda,

Indeed. You are Brilliant. I’ve scaled the tiny mountains of this Hassee province often to listen to your musings on all things science, music, literature, porn, and football. It’s that last one that rouses me this particular morning, the dream that happens every summer—pigskin soaring in slow motion through a stadium-lit sky, repetitive crunch of tackle after blindside sack, a one-handed snag, a kick return for touchdown. We’ve all had the dream. We love it. We miss it. We wake up only to realize it isn’t real, that our morning paper is merely an A-Rod article, or some Red(neck) Sox kid complains to his crotch on ESPN, or 3-4 games a day on television for what feels like 10 years. The worst—a “sport” that occasionally speeds up to a crawl in the hottest season of the year. Can you imagine sitting in a microwave and counting to 600 in Mississippi’s? That’s a Red Sox/Yankees game, only the microwave is filled with assholes.

Your open letter raises some interesting points. I am, in fact, hilarious. But this morning I woke from my dream and turned on the television to see “Breakfast at Wimbledon” and thought—Is this the world Brilliant Panda wants for us? Say it ain’t so!

Now, tennis is a helluva sport. It’s fun and fast and tough. I enjoy watching, and there was a time when I enjoyed playing. But “Breakfast at” anything is not a pre-game show I’m okay with, especially since Roger Goodell seems determined to put the NFL in Europe. THE NFL! Can you imagine “Crumpets With Eli” on BBC? This would be a disaster. I care nothing about watching the London Kettles versus the Edinburgh Sads. You’re an Eagles fan, for fuck’s sake! At halftime you want 3 beers and a shouting match with your cousin Sully. The Edinburgh Sads hold a halftime funeral for Balgaire’s Ma who croaked at kick-off. Tough old broad fought with William Wallace, you know.

I mention Europe because of your concern over what the world thinks of America, and when one makes this argument they usually mean what Europe thinks of America. So please allow me, Worried Panda, to sooth your ruffled and wooly coat.

1  1.  Americans can get anything. We just got healthcare. Just now. But alas, I understand you mean the little things, those we take for granted—cats, blue jeans, and Hollywood memorabilia. Well, I may acquire a kitty that looks eerily similar to Robert De Niro, and I may acquire said feline with the quickness. Know what I can’t get right up the street? A Union Jack scrotum beanie for those frigid Florida winters. We all make sacrifices.

   

We'll backpack anywhere we please. 

    2. Political Idiocy—I don’t know which side of the pond you're claiming this idiocy falls on. First off, if you’re an American travelling the world and pinning anything other than a RATT patch to your backpack, well, sir or ma’am, you’re dead inside already. Why would we, a Panda and a Mink, have to defend anything? Governments make terrible decisions, and ours may be the worst, but I can’t remember ever receiving a text that reads—“Yo Mink. Prez here. You got a thought on this Iraq bizz-nass? Holla if you go out later. #opentosuggestions.” This European demand is the equivalent of me blaming all of Italy each time Mario fails to save the Princess.

     3. Canada is better. John Candy, Ryan Gosling, and hockey vs Me, You, Wu-Tang, Bear Bryant, muscle cars, and snack packs? 'Merika. 

     4. It's Not "America". Maybe, but "BossOfAllBosses" wouldn't fit on the bandana I like to tie around my Levi's. LOL Europe!

    

     5. We’re Wasteful. Yes. Yes we are. I am a terrible offender here. No defense. HOWEVER, whence I’ve scaled those heights to gnaw bamboo with you we’ve chowed down to the melodious sounds of Dick Wolf. Were we actually watching the television? No, Hypocritical Panda, we were not. We just felt better because it was on, because there was justice in this crazy world, because the lone noise of conversation puts us in a panic. And this is okay! We have toys and we play with them. I understand America has a waste problem, but Elizabeth Vargas? She has a lot of money and four kids and a huge house. Her carbon footprint is the T-Rex to my Emmanuel Lewis. According to her "report" we should piss in the streets and never shower. If I wanted that I’d just live in Ohio.

My point, Understanding Panda, is that I don’t need Europe to tell me we have issues. The only America that Europe knows is New York and L.A. anyway. I’ve enough problems trying to convince people in my own country that I’m capable of holding an intellectual conversation after they find out I’m from Alabama. Europe doesn’t even know Alabama exists. To them there’s only “The South” and it’s shaped like a klan hood. Fuck those people, too. We gave Europe an American and you know what happened?

Mmmmm.... privilege and gelato 

So yes. You’re right. I should conserve far more than I do. And I will admit that while your open letter was well received, it cut a little. When I am cut, Kind Panda, I bleed. And when I bleed, I bleed fucking Springsteen guitar strings because AMERICA! WOOHOO! LOL EUROPE!

A Whale Of A Time

I do not conserve. I will leave every light in my apartment on, the water running, and fall asleep comfortably on the couch to the sounds of District Attorney McCoy magically panting the city of New York to another conviction. If I left the oven on, all the better.

this is an actual whale

But you know what I like? Whales. Love a whale. I don’t actually work toward educating anyone on the habits of whales. I don’t donate money to whale conservation and, honestly, I’ve only ever seen a whale in captivity at a museum I snuck into illegally because the line was too long and I had a flight to catch. LOL, Shedd Aquarium, I saw your belugas for free!

Point is, asked if I dig on whales, the answer is yes. YES. They’re smahht. Not dumb, like everybody says. When I say “everybody” I mean—people from Wakulla County, FL and the Japanese.

This morning I read that a bid to create a whale sanctuary in the Southern Atlantic Ocean was voted down at the International Whaling Commission’s (IWC) annual meeting. I know, right? I want to be on the International Whaling Commission. Although the bid gained more than half the votes, it needed a three-quarters majority. Boo.

Granted, these do-gooders wanted a nice chunk of salt—“The proposal covered almost the entire Atlantic Ocean south of the Equator, from the west coast of Africa to the east coast of South America.” Wow.

An actual invitation from the above whale.

Whale #1—party at my crib!

Whale #2—where’s your crib?

Whale #1—everywhere!

I don’t mind that it was voted down with the promise of more talks. Part of the problem was shear area. Countries/continents can control their own shorelines, and so, rather than mark off a portion of planet, those who voted against suggested the closer policing of these shorelines. Word up, haters.

But who were one of the biggest opponents of the plan? The Japanese. Mother. Fucker. No and no. I have a problem with Japan getting a say. The IWC tried to nix commercial whaling in order to increase whale populations back in 1986. The Japanese, always happy to help a whale, found a scientific research loophole within the legislation, and continued right on killing. I suppose they needed to make sure the meat still tasted the same? Yep, tastes right. Just to make sure, though, lets capture and kill about 70 more. Nothing like consistency!

Here’s what has never happened in warfare:

General #1—Hey, guy, Gen here, I’m gonna need you to stop this little coup or whatevs. I mean, you’re massacring a lot of innocents.

General #2—For reals? I didn’t even realize. But, seriously, we’re just conducting a little resea….

General #1—No, dawg.

Don’t get it twisted. This is warfare. The whales haven’t had many warriors, per say. There was Moby Dick and this little guy. And why shouldn’t he attack a diver. Do we not try to kill bugs that fly around our face? I went diving once, in the Bahamas. The only things in that water are tiny little fish that look like bouquets of flowers. It was like swimming in everyone’s anniversary.

But those big ol’ so and so’s need help. I’d like to arm them with lasers, but sharks have kind of cornered that one. Sheesh…sharks.

See, the whole “hey, kid, stop being a jackass” hasn’t worked with the Japanese whalers. Now it’s time to stop letting these fools vote. And before you go screaming about how I’m lumping all Japanese people and Wakulla people together under a negative light of righteousness, let me correct you.

Yes. Yes I am. This morning. Because this is bullshit. This is King Bullshit. You seen The Cove? Those are dolphins. Seems like if it’s an intelligent sea creature, there are men in Japan who will ice it. No questions asked.

You will eat the fast food!

Just as America should have nothing to do with any international dietary legislation, Japan should be left out of any vote regarding whales. If you’re doing everything you can to wipe out a species (human or whale) you’re done. DONE.